Have You Ever Wondered How People Define Success?

Success seemed really simple in elementary school. You get an A on your math test—success! You win a game of foursquare—success! You play a solo in your band concert and don’t miss a note—success!

Adult life is much more complex than acing a spelling test every Friday. As a result, each person’s definition of success is unique.

I wanted to know how others define success, so I turned to my peer groups on LinkedIn and asked them just that. I started by sharing my definition of success in order to open up the dialogue.

What was the result? I learned that many of us hold similar ideas about success. In fact, I noticed four trends in people’s definitions of success: relationships, purpose, contentment, and the importance of striving for goals. Take a look at the wonderful responses below, and you will see what I mean.

What is Your Definition of Success?

1.  Success is About Relationships

 

David Morlah
Teamwork & Leadership Guy/Baseball Scribe

Success is making a lot of money and having power and control over other people. Okay, just kidding. 
I believe success is all about relationships with people. It’s maintaining long term friendships and being at peace with all in your family. 
It’s about forgiving those who may have done you wrong, and harboring no bitterness or deep regrets. If you are loved, and if you love others, you are successful.

 

Ed Gilbert
Vice President Business Integration at Truven Health Analytics

Success is being able to look back in life and note the influence and guidance that you have provided to others. It is the long list of people that seek out my advice about career, business, or personal matters. That is when you know you are successful.

2. Success is Finding Peace and Contentment in Life

 

Allan Griff
Independent Plastics Engineer/Anthropologist

David’s kidding shouldn’t be dismissed so easily. Although its unPC among us levies to go after money and power to make more, we are surrounded and often dependent on people who have those values, and need to understand how they tick, and not just toss their values into the trashosphere. I want to free myself from such goals as “success” and prefer the idea(I) of contentment. Good health (no extremes) and good genes help. Please remember that some of us (not just us engineers) don’t thrive on personal relationships, but somehow muddle through them and find contentment in believing what we see (science) and not seeing what we believe, observing from the outside, and thinking on the inside. Yes, I want to earn enough money to free me from economic anxiety, and I want power, but over myself and not others. Anne, thank you for asking us this question. I hope lots more of us are thinking about it even if they don’t post..

 

Rhyz Buac
Vice President – Finance and Operations at Alenter Resort Hotels Corporation

When you are happy and satisfied/contented of what you have then you are already successful

 

Kathy Barany, PHR
Principal, Strategic Management Solutions

Love David’s definition…all except that first line that had us going! To me, success is personal and professional. personally, it is being healthy and happy; healthy being physical and emotional, and the happy part is all that David said. Professionally, it is being happy with what we do and having a healthy attitude towards mistakes along the way; we learn from them.

3. Success Starts With Identifying Your Purpose

 

Ruth M.Schimel
at Career & Life Management Consultant

I don’t believe there’s one definition of success because each of us has unique interests, goals, and needs. Once there is a sense of purpose, defining success becomes more accessible, varying with time and experience.

Ruth Schimel, Ph.D.
Author of “Step Into the Success You Want: Sparking Your Powers”

 

Arthur Cilley
Independent Business Advisor

I like your definition. My definition also includes some creative/artistic expression and some spiritual involvement.

For 10 years or so I did not do much with music, which had always been probably my favorite way to find peace but also energy. I sang in an a cappella group in college and in church choirs and community choruses after that. When I moved to Texas in the late 90’s I stopped singing for various reasons. In the last two years I have begun to sing again with a barbershop chorus and a quartet or two as well as an excellent choral group associated with, but not part of, the church where I used to belong. I find that I missed that chance to perform more than I realized. It need not be singing, of course. Painting, crafts, dancing, acting, public speaking or playing an instrument are all equally rewarding depending on your talents.

Spiritual satisfaction is perhaps harder to come by. I believe, however, that “success” includes some philosophical reflection on why we are here. Without getting too preachy, we could all benefit from some soul searching about our place and purpose in the world. Many find that in a church or other religious organization but meditation or a walk in the woods or volunteering at a youth or senior center also provide insight.

Best wishes to your readers for success however they define it.

4. Success is a Process, Not a Specific Goal

 

Larry Smith
Business Development, The Belt’s Corporation

Success describes the fulfillment and peace of mind people acquire from nurturing and developing their minds(perpetually learning), bodies(physical/emotional wellness), and spirit(discovering maximal perspectives that yield lifelong and immediate purposes). It requires developing, implementing, and refining three strategies at once. Then the Magic happens…

 

Mark C. Miller
International (Latin American) Financial Risk Management

I would say that success is the process of identifying, and striving to reach, our own aspirations…perhaps we can repeatedly halve the distance to meeting those aspirations; in any case, the real success seems to come from striving for or toward something that we find meaningful, not from a final result of actually having arrived there.

Good luck to all.

Emilly Filloramo
Success & Happiness Catalyst | Confidence Coach | Author | Speaker | Nutritionist

Success is giving all that you’ve got, knowing that you did go outside of your comfort zone, pushed through the obstacles, picked yourself up after failing and doing it over and over again. All in the name of leaving this world a better place than you have found it.

Karen Fox
Environmental Research/GIS Analysis

Knowing that I have the power to turn a potential disappointment into an opportunity for gratitude.

Acknowledging that, what I might have done better today, is something I can always strive for again tomorrow. (No room for regrets)

Being there for my friends and family, and allowing them to do the same for me.

(…and having my mortgage paid off!!!)

Let’s continue the dialogue.

As I mentioned in my interview with Cornell University, success to me is working with fully engaged clients, giving back to my community in the form of teaching and mentorship, and living my purpose. But what about you? How do you define success?

 

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

 

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How to Merge Creativity and Business

 

Business is so much more than ROI and numbers. It is also about creativity and compassion. The truth is, you cannot run a successful business if you are not creative.

Bringing creativity into your leadership is more than just supplying the Playdough at a company retreat.  It is about fostering innovation and allowing mistakes to happen.

In the video below, I talk about a student who is both an artist and a business major. She was concerned that her creativity had no place in the business world and was unsure how to reconcile this.

Here is what I told her:

Have you noticed creativity playing a large part in your leadership? If you aren’t a leader, do you feel the leader at your organization is creative? I am very interested hear your experience with this.

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

 

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Five Tips for Effective Coaching Questions

 

People always ask me, “What exactly is coaching and how is it different from any other conversation?”

A coaching conversation is different from other conversations due to the amount of questions asked, and the type of questions asked.

In general, a coach should be doing 80% listening and 20% talking. If a coach is doing more talking than listening, then the coach is training or lecturing. There’s nothing wrong with training or lecturing, in certain situations. However, it’s not coaching. But if a coach is asking some powerful questions and then listening most of the time, you have a situation where the coachee is finding the solutions herself, instead of being told what to do. This frees up the coach to work on other projects and empowers the coachee to move forward on her own.

So what makes a good coaching question? Here are five tips to keep in mind:

1.    Keep them Open

2.    Keep them Short and Stupid

3.    Keep them Advice-Free

4.    Keep them Forward-Focused

5.    Keep them Thought Provoking

1. Keep them Open

A coach wants her coachee to determine the problem and solutions by himself. Asking open questions that start with what, who and how allows this to happen; using questions that start with did, will, have and why actually shut down a conversation. Here is an example:

Coachee:
I missed my deadline again.

Typical manager reply:
Yea, I know. Why did you do that?

Better coaching question:
What got in your way?

The typical manager reply puts the coachee on the defensive, making him defend himself. The coaching question opens up the situation, without judgment or blame. It allows the coachee to focus on what got in the way, and then eventually what he wants to be different in the future and then eventually what steps he’ll take to get there.

In my next blog, I’ll go through the other four tips for good coaching questions. In the meantime, give it a try…. when you’re next talking to an employee, student, child or colleague, practice asking questions that begin with what, who or how and see what happens. You’ll be surprised to see how the conversation opens up!

 

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

 

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It Takes Courage To Use EQ

 

Emotional Intelligence. We hear the term all the time, thinking it’s some abstract leadership model that only the elite use to improve themselves and their teams.

I’m here to tell you that EQ is real and the opportunity to use it occurs many times a day, if you’re willing to listen and use it. Here are three recent stories of how I successfully, and unsuccessfully, used my EQ in challenging situations.

Scenario 1: The Two-Minute Story Turned Tragic

I spoke at a team retreat, and although the word “retreat” might conjure up team building in a forest, these sessions took place in a classic Washington, DC corporate conference room, complete with overhead lighting, and a mammoth, glossy, wooden table surrounded by black chairs on wheels.

It Never Occurred to Me That My EQ Was About to Get Tested

While teaching a class on the 3 levels of listening, I asked an older man to share a 2-minute story about a time in his life when things just couldn’t get any better. The purpose of this exercise was for the rest of the class to listen and share what they heard at each of the 3 levels of listening, which are what you hear, what body language you observe, and what you feel energetically as you listen. I’ve used this exercise many times; it never occurred to me that my EQ was about to get tested.

As the man shared his story about taking a vacation with his wife, it was clear there was a misalignment with his words and his body language. He spoke about enjoying delicious food, meeting interesting people, and learning about new cultures, yet his voice was monotone, his mouth was turned down and his shoulders slumped. You could hear a pin drop when his concluded; I looked around the room, trying to fathom what just happened during a simple exercise.

I Was Trying to Fathom What Happened

I found out. Sadly, his wife had just passed away.

I had just unknowingly walked into an emotional landmine, where the man was clearly upset and the rest of the room was silently staring at him with tears in their eyes.

What were my options at this point?

1.    Ignore the story and say, “Who else would like to share?”

2.    Avoid the emotions of the moment and announce that it’s time for a 15-minute break.

3.    Encourage the man to continue to share his story with the group for another 10 minutes.

4.    Use my EQ.

How Should I Handle This Situation?

At a very basic level, EQ is about self-awareness (what am I feeling now?) and social awareness (how will my emotions impact the people in the room)? So while all this was happening, I had to quickly self-assess my feelings, which were sadness, embarrassment, panic, and a host of others. I then had to self-manage my emotions so they didn’t impact the rest of the training. So here’s what I did:

1.    Acknowledge the enormity of the situation by saying gently and with emotion, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” then waiting a few seconds before speaking again.

2.    Acknowledge the man by saying “Thank you for your courage in sharing this moment with all of us. I know that must have been difficult for you. You are a brave person.”, then waiting a few seconds before speaking again.

3.    Acknowledge the others by saying “I know many of you may be feeling a variety of emotions right now. Please take a moment and jot them down for yourself.”

4.    Use the moment as a learning opportunity by saying “These types of personal, emotional conversations occur at work more frequently than you think. People often have hardships in their personal life that they inadvertently bring with them to work. As leaders, you need to embrace these moments instead of running away from them. You don’t have to go into therapy with the person, yet you do need to treat the situation with humanity and dignity before moving on. They will respect you for it.”

It Takes Courage To Use EQ

This was one of the hardest teaching moments in my life. Why? Because using EQ takes courage. It’s choosing the conversation that may be uncomfortable, scary, and unfamiliar. Yet the rewards are trust, credibility, and confidence.

Scenario 2: My Appetite Ate My EQ

Now let me take you to a hip tech company, the kind of wide-open office where you might see a French Bulldog sleeping under a desk, or a few guitars laying around. Don’t get me wrong, this company is full of professionals, but they work hard to keep their culture unique, welcoming, and people-centric. The conference room I spoke in was airy and full of fresh, fun energy.

While teaching a course on energy management, I was working with a group of young, emerging leaders on setting achievable physical goals that would help them reach peak performance. We were overdue for a break and I could tell that everyone was getting antsy; my own stomach was grumbling for a snack.

I Could Tell Everyone Was Getting Antsy…

One young woman shared that her goal was to go to the gym for an hour daily, while also running 3 times a week. Since the topic was about achievable goals, I asked her how achievable it was. I meant it as a rhetorical example for the group; she took it literally and started to share that she knew she could do it. I politely suggested we talk about it after break; she persisted and wanted to share how she was going to do it. I then again politely suggested we discuss it after break and called a break for the group.

I Was Stunned

During break, within earshot of others, she told me that I was rude and disrespectful to her. I was stunned and angry; that was not my intention at all. How dare she call me disrespectful?!

I had just unknowingly walked into another emotional landmine, where I was hungry, only had 6 minutes left for break, was called rude and the rest of the group was quietly watching this encounter.

What were my options at this point?

1.    Loudly disagree with her, allowing the conversation to escalate.

2.    Dismiss her point and tell her to “Grow up; it’s just one comment.”

3.    Tell her to talk to her boss if she didn’t like the training.

4.    Use my EQ.

How Should I Handle This Situation?

Self-managing my emotional reaction was not easy because I had low-blood sugar and needed to eat; I also knew the clock was ticking and people were watching. However, looking at it from her perspective, I also knew she was right. I could have handled it better. I had failed this EQ test.

I Got an “F” On This EQ Test

So I apologized for the misunderstanding. I looked her in the eye, apologized if I had offended her, and told her my intention was not to be disrespectful. I then shook her hand and thanked her for teaching me a valuable lesson. It was challenging to do this while my emotions were still running high and my stomach was still grumbling, yet I know that although I failed the initial EQ test, I had redeemed my EQ in that moment.

Scenario 3: The Questioning Scientist

Luckily at this gig, lunch was part of the program! Specifically, I was teaching a class on coaching at a “Lunch & Learn” for a large tech company, only this time—to a room full of scientists.

Coaching skills are one of the hardest management skills to learn, especially for people who work with data and facts on a daily basis. Why? Because coaching involves watching for non-verbal cues which can be hard to quantify.

It Was Time To Move On When a Woman in the Back of the Room Said…

After completing an exercise on non-verbal cues, it was clear the group was starting to understand how to watch for, and interpret, non-verbal cues. It was time to move on to teach the next phase of coaching when a woman in the back of room said in a loud, strong voice, “I don’t see how watching someone’s non-verbal cues is going to make me a better scientist or move our science ahead of the competition.” Every eye turned to me, to see how I was going to handle this woman and her comment.

I Walked Into a Land Mine

Yet again, I walked into a land mine. We had three more exercises to do in a short period of time, the rest of the group seemed to understand the importance of non-verbal cues and I was irritated that this person had thrown me a curve ball.

What were my options at this point?

1.    Shame her by saying, “If you had been paying attention to what I had said earlier, you would be able to answer your own question.”

2.    Ignore the actual question and ask her to talk to me after the session.

3.    Redo the exercise, despite the fact that the rest of the group seemed to understand the point.

4.    Use my EQ.

How Should I Handle This Situation?

As I mentally checked in with myself, I smiled to the group and took a deep breath to help self-manage my emotions. I then said, “Great question! What do others in the room think?” Two people then explained non-verbals from a scientific perspective, which not only helped the woman who asked the question but also complemented my information for the rest of the group.

Using EQ happens daily, in real-time. Challenging or uncomfortable conversations appear at random times, unexpectedly, at work, at home, in the community and everywhere in between. Your next text message may even require the use of EQ!

Often the conversations that need EQ the most are the messiest ones. Choosing to have the messy conversation, instead of avoiding it, takes courage. But if you are willing to be in uncomfortable territory, you can look at these challenges as an opportunity to build deeper relationships and develop trust.

I would love to hear your successes and failures when it comes to EQ! It’s something we all experience.

Check out the ways to manage your energy to reduce stress with our infographic

 

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

 

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