Leadership And The Lost Art Of Listening

 I heard Richard Branson on the Diane Rehm show, and he spoke about something extremely important for successful leadership: listening. I find Branson’s comments on listening to be spot-on:

“I think not enough business leaders know the art of listening. They love to hear their own voices. And I was fortunate to learn from a young age that other people — by listening to other people, you learn an awful lot more than by listening to yourself.” — Richard Branson

From my experience, listening is a lost art. This holds true particularly for leaders and entrepreneurs.

Why don’t leaders listen? Though Branson jokes that they love to hear their own voices, there are two main reasons. For one, we are never taught how to carefully listen. And secondly, society sets leaders and entrepreneurs up to be expected to have all the answers.

In this clip from my interview with Cornell University, I talk about the three levels of listening, and how leaders can develop relationships and trust if they are able to use all three. I also talk about how important it is for leaders to ask questions. Asking and listening go hand in hand.

Do you find that you are good at fully listening to others? Is listening to a challenge for you? I’d love to hear your ideas about why listening may be difficult for leaders. Also, if you have experience working on your listening skills, let us know what steps you have taken.

Read the full transcript of Richard Branson’s interview on the Diane Rehm here.

Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Using Growth Mindset for Career Success

 

In today’s rapidly advancing world, continual learning is a given. In the future, people are less likely to be hired for what they “know” and more likely to be hired for their ability to learn what they “don’t know”.

Why is continual learning important to you? According to a survey conducted by Evolution:

• 96% people see a positive impact of continual learning on job performance

• 78% people see continual learning as a factor in promotions and career advancement

• 87% people say continual learning correlates with increases in compensation and salary

So how do you create a habit of continual learning? One way is to apply Growth Mindset, which is finding yourself in a new situation and not knowing what to do – but then figuring it out.

What is Growth Mindset?

Growth Mindset a set of beliefs that shape how you make sense of the world and yourself. It influences how you think, feel, and behave in any given situation. People with growth mindset see failure as an opportunity to grow. They see challenges as a path toward growth and let their effort and attitude determine their abilities. They are inspired by the success of their team members and take feedback as a constructive way of improvement.

Source: Fixed v. Growth Mindset. “Mindset” by CarolDweck | Medium |

Beliefs and Behaviors of Growth Mindset Leaders

Leaders with growth mindset put growth first and unite the business goals around it. They back the risktakers, knowing there is a possibility of failure. The focus is toward action rather than perfection. These leaders infuse those around them with a purpose.

What sets a leader with purpose apart from one without purpose? There are three core elements for experiencing purpose: positive impact on others, personal development, and delivery of work through strong relationships. A purpose-driven leader fosters these experiences for her team and has a mission for her work. This mission is something that every team member knows because it’s communicated repeatedly by the leader.

Working with a growth mindset involves delegating work and having confidence in the people around you. Delegation goes beyond just handing off the job. It includes setting performance expectations, accountability, and providing feedback.

Breaking the Fixed Mindset

The most important factor when building a growth mindset is seeing the value in your journey. When the focus is just fixed on the end result, you miss out on all the things you could be learning during the journey.

If you’re not able to perform a certain task or activity, remember that you just haven’t become an expert in it yet. By using the power of “yet”, you can overcome many obstacles. Mistakes are one of the best ways to learn, so, instead of running away from challenges, take them head-on.

Tips to Build a Growth Mindset

Here are three tips to build a growth mindset:

• Counter stressful situations: Much of the anxiety we experience is due to the uncertainty caused by things outside our control. The best way to combat that is to focus on the things we can control – like our effort, our attitude, and how we treat people.

• Adapt to change: Sometimes the wave of change is headed your way full force whether you’re ready or not. You can either let the wave crash against you, knock you down and pull you under, or you can face the same direction the wave is headed and catch a ride to shore. Make the decision to ride the wave and accept the change.

• Keep a watch on non-verbal emotional cues: Often people express one thing verbally, but their body is telling a completely different story. So, focus on the non-verbals while communicating with others.

Have you worked with a colleague or leader who has a Growth Mindset? How did it effect you and the organization?

Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Leadership in the Zone – How to Fully Engage Emotionally

Leadership in the Zone – How to Fully Engage Emotionally

The fully engaged leader can harness and expand his or her physical, emotional, mental and spiritual energy. Last week, we talked about the importance of physical energy for the fully engaged leader.

This week, expert Tom Ward, founder, and principal of Next Level will discuss emotional energy—what it is, why it is important and how to expand it.

How to Fully Engage Emotionally

Guest post by Tom Ward

One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned in life is that lasting happiness has humble origins. For me, it starts with gratitude. Yes, gratitude. For the people in my life – my family, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances – and the abundance I’ve been afforded.

Before I attended the Corporate Athlete® course at the Human Performance Institute, I had the good fortune to meet Shawn Achor and read his book, The Happiness Advantage. In the book, which is rooted in the emergent discipline of positive psychology, Shawn discusses how the set a goal–work hard–achieve the goal–be happy formula for happiness simply doesn’t work.

Paraphrasing Shawn, “after achieving a goal, the goal posts simply get pushed farther away making continued happiness harder to achieve and maintain.” The key to happiness, he says, is to re-write the happiness formula as follows, be happy–set a goal–work hard–achieve the goal. Research shows that Shawn’s approach not only yields greater and lasting happiness but also yields greater achievements and, more importantly, stronger relationships.

So how do we re-write our happiness formulas? For me, as I’ve said, it starts with gratitude. For you, it may start elsewhere. Before recommending some strategies, you might use to help you re-write your formula, it’s instructive to review some emotional energy fundamentals.

Emotions Matrix

Every emotion we experience has a purpose. Some emotions, to be sure, are not the most pleasant or productive. Nonetheless, all of them serve some function. For me, understanding the nature of emotional energy provides useful guidance for how to better manage it.

The following matrix is from the Corporate Athlete® Course and it portrays emotional energy. On the Y-axis is the quantity of energy – low to high. And, on the X-axis, is the quality of energy – negative to positive.

When we’re in the low-negative quadrant, we need to be mindful of disengagement and burn out. Being in this quadrant is sometimes necessary, yet staying here can be harmful.

High-negative energy often results in emotional hijacking and fight or flight behaviors. Staying in this quadrant too long can be toxic.

I like to think of low-positive energy as beach time, while high-positive energy is the energy of the extraordinary. When we think of applying the principal of oscillation (discussed in the last post), it’s ideal to think of oscillating between high-positive and low-positive emotional energy.

© Human Performance Institute Division of Wellness & Prevention, Inc.

Three Strategies to Foster a More Positive Mindset

Armed with knowledge of the fundamentals of emotional energy, what are some strategies we can employ to foster a more positive, happiness-inclined mindset?

1. Journaling

My favorite strategy is gratitude journaling, as it serves to ground my thinking in the here and now, the positive, and the abundance of my life. Here’s what I do. I grab my journal and find a quiet room, often my home office. Then I write two or three sentences about three people or experiences for which I am truly grateful. I do this three times each week, trying not to repeat any entry. I share my entries with my significant other on a routine basis, and she shares hers with me. The sharing part is key for me because the two of us get to know each other more fully and our relationship deepens through our sharing.

2. Mindfulness

If journaling isn’t your thing, I have friends who find mindfulness meditation helpful. Others use deep breathing as a means for calming the body and reorienting the mind. I find exercise of any kind keeps me in a positive frame of mind.

3. Acts of Kindness

Another exceptionally effective strategy is performing conscious acts of kindness. While random acts of kindness (e.g., opening the door for a stranger) are useful too, consciously, and purposefully performing acts of kindness is a particularly effective strategy for promoting positivity and wellbeing. Some examples might include calling your fifth-grade teacher and thanking her for the patience she modelled during your formative years; writing a former colleague and thanking him for teaching you how to be a better team member; or helping a neighbor paint the trim on her house. There are countless opportunities.

Lasting happiness and positive emotional energy begin with the awareness of what it takes to get there. The right formula is essential. So is having an effective strategy and executing it repeatedly.

Stay tuned for next week when we will dive into the next level of the pursuit of fully engaged leadership: the expansion of mental energy.

In the meantime, is emotional energy something you actively cultivate? Have you experimented with the strategies outlined above? We’d love to hear about your experience.

Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Engaging Employees Through Sustainability

 

So you want to start an employee engagement program? BBMG recently released a white paper that addresses sustainability as an organizational core value, which not only helps the planet but also increases employee engagement. Their rationale is that having this type of transcendent vision gives employees purpose and empowerment, if executed correctly.

BBMG’s data links sustainability to the rising Millennial generation (born between 1980-2000), including:

·         86% of Millennials would consider leaving an employer whose social responsibility values no longer reflected their own.

·         79% of Millennials would likely accept a job at an eco-friendly company over a conventional one.

·         About 55% of men and women under 30 believe it’s very or extremely important to work for a company that is socially and environmentally responsible.

BBMG provides some guidance on how to create a sustainability strategy that engages employees at all levels and generations. After partnering with Wal-Mart to create a global platform for an employee sustainability program, they were able to share the content with other organizations and individuals around the world. There are too many tips to list here, so I highly suggest reading their white paper to learn more.

Some of the interesting and most important phases of setting up a sustainability program were:

1. Make the strategy actionable and flexible

·         When working with Wal-Mart, BBMG created 12 broad categories of actions that employees could choose from. Though some employees may be extremely proactive, others may be unsure where to start, so give concrete actions that employees can engage in.

·         Flexibility comes by creating different phases that are slowly rolled out during the program. If your organization is geographically dispersed, let each branch define how they interpret those phases.

2. Make it rewarding

·         BBMG suggests creating friendly competitions and quirky rewards.

3. Internal communications are key

·         Create brown-bag lunch series, employee webinars, or breakfast panels.

·         Place communication material in areas where employees gather; the lunchroom, restrooms and elevators are popular spots.

4. Celebrate success

·         This could be the most important part of the program. How are you measuring success? Do you have a baseline? Success stories, small and large, are what spur engagement and motivation. How can you share these stories most effectively and also encourage employees to share their own? Facebook, intranets, email newsletters, company blogs and social media outlets are some ideas.

·        What do you think? Is sustainability a good way to engage employees of all generations, including Millennials?

Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

7 Ways to Reduce Friction Between Remote and Onsite Employees

 

CHCI is honored to have Anne Loehr, Executive Vice President, mentioned in this article on reducing friction between onsite and remote employees that was published on SHRM. Thanks Arlene Hirsch for the excellent interview questions!

As organizations prepare for a post-pandemic world, many are embracing hybrid schedules that allow some employees to work remotely at least part of the time. As a result, friction is rising at some companies between remote employees and those required to work onsite who are jealous of their colleagues’ flexibility.

HR often is tasked with addressing that friction and guiding people managers who are caught in the middle. Here are seven strategies designed to minimize tension and foster cohesiveness between remote and onsite team members. 

1. Identify the Cause of the Friction 

“If you take the resentment [between remote and onsite employees] at face value, the obvious solution is to allow more people to work from home. However, that’s not always possible,” said Anne Loehr, executive vice president of the Center for Human Capital Innovation, a consulting firm in Alexandria, Va. “So to manage the situation effectively, you need to understand what’s at the core of this resentment. It’s important to have an open and honest conversation with employees to gain insight into what’s really going on.” 

Loehr believes HR can and should take the lead in researching and gathering data that employers can use to determine the best approach. This may include scheduling focus group discussions, as well as fielding employee pulse surveys and employee engagement surveys, she said.   

2. Be Transparent 

“The decision about whether to allow employees to work remotely is based on a variety of factors, including organizational purpose, strategy, employee preferences and work styles,” said Daniel Davis, Ph.D., a senior researcher at Hassell International in New York City who studies future workplace trends. “What works for one may not work for another, so success depends on the leadership team’s ability to choose a path forward and communicate that vision.”

Jennifer Dennard, co-founder and COO of Range, a technology startup in Boulder, Colo., said internal communications and transparency are key to ensuring that everyone feels like they are on the same team, regardless of whether they work remotely or onsite.

“Create clear guidelines and be transparent about why some people cannot work remotely,” Dennard said. “Then apply as much flexibility as possible to level the playing field.” 

3. Define What Flexibility Means 

“Employers need to grant onsite workers the same flexibility as remote workers whenever possible,” said Jacob Zabkowicz, vice president and general manager for global RPO at Korn Ferry in Chicago. “If you hold onsite workers to a different standard, that’s when resentments occur.”

An equality of benefits and scheduling is key to reducing friction, agreed Ellen Ernst Kossek, a management professor at Purdue University and co-author of CEO of Me: Creating a Life That Works in the Flexible Job Age (FT Press, 2007). “Every job deserves some flexibility. Even if remote work isn’t always an option, organizations should offer flexibility to both office and front-line workers,” Kossek said. “It cannot be viewed as a scarce or privileged resource.”

Giving every employee the same scheduling options is key if you want flexibility to become a core part of your culture, said Anne Donovan, PwC’s former U.S. people experience leader. “Otherwise, some employees may feel left out.” But the global professional services firm also recognizes that, depending on the circumstances, “flexibility” can mean different things to different people. For some employees, it might mean starting the day earlier, taking an hour off at noon for a doctor’s appointment or leaving early to attend a child’s after-school activity.

“It’s not about working less. It’s about working differently,” Donovan said. “Flexibility is a two-way street. If there’s a deadline or work priority that requires extra hours, employees are expected to be flexible enough to meet the needs of the business.”

At the beginning of the pandemic, Sage North America, an 11,000-person accounting and business management software company based in Atlanta, sent everyone home to work remotely. As the company plans their return-to-office strategy, their top priority is the safety and well-being of their employees, said executive vice president Nancy Harris.

“In May, we rolled out our Flexible Human Work (FHW) plan under which each team is allowed to make their own decisions about how and where they want to work,” she said. “A team can manage the ebb and flow in and out of the office based on the work that needs to be done. 

“There’s lots of appreciation for the change in mindset because everyone is given the same freedom,” Harris added. “It’s a way to level the playing field.” 

4. Rethink What Roles Can Be Performed Remotely 

Managers should be encouraged to rethink their assumptions about what roles can—and cannot—be done remotely, Loehr said. “It’s possible that you’ve overlooked other positions that would be fine as remote jobs, even for just part of the time.”

At Ford Motor Co., salaried employees are allowed to work remotely at least part of each day, while factory workers are required to be onsite. When an electrician, who is also a single mother, asked HR if she could work remotely part time, she was told that remote-work options were not available to hourly employees. Although the employee says she understands that a lot of her factory work can only be done in person, she believes she could be productive working remotely one to two days a week because her job requires extensive paperwork.

Options exist to help address this type of situation, Loehr said. For example, the physical therapy team at Ohio State University’s Wexner Medical Center in Columbus, Ohio, incorporated virtual platforms last year to help ensure the safety of staff and patients while maintaining continuity of care, even when employees needed to work remotely. They also cross-trained team members so that if therapists got sick or needed to take time off, there were enough physical therapists onsite to meet patient needs.

5. Address Distance Bias 

Although the pandemic has reduced some of the stigma attached to remote work, it hasn’t disappeared altogether. “When companies have some employees working remotely and others working onsite, this can foster an ‘us versus them’ mentality,” said Liane Davey, co-founder of Toronto-based 3COZE Inc. and author of The Good Fight: Use Productive Conflict to Get Your Organization and Team Back on Track (Page Two, 2019). “People have a negativity bias. They often don’t pay attention to what they have in common.”

Managers can help onsite employees better understand and respect remote team members by sharing information about the sacrifices remote employees make to complete tasks, meet deadlines and accomplish their goals, said Zabkowicz at Korn Ferry. “Many employees who don’t have the option to work remotely still have the perception that, because you work remotely, you can do whatever you want.”

What in-office employees often don’t realize is that working from home has its own challenges, Loehr said. She advises managers to facilitate a discussion between remote and in-office workers “to let each discuss their personal challenges and dispel any myths they may have about each other.” This can be a town hall meeting or even a brown-bag lunch.

6. Build Trust

“Virtual teams often lack context because employees don’t have the opportunity to get to know each other,” Davey said. “The solution is for leaders to bake in opportunities to increase mutual knowledge and understanding.”

When addressing resentment from onsite workers about their remote colleagues, there are a few things at play. Beyond simply wanting to skip their commute and work in pajamas, onsite employees may think their managers don’t trust them, according to Loehr.

“Employees don’t always trust that managers have their best interests at heart,” she explained. “They see working from home as a privilege, and not being allowed to do so makes them feel that their manager doesn’t appreciate, value or trust them.”

“Many of the complaints stem from a lack of trust,” agreed Joseph Flahiff, president and CEO of Radar4ai, a Seattle-based management consulting company. “Employees who work in the office don’t trust that the remote people are really working.”

Flahiff suggests pairing remote and onsite team members so they can get to know each other better and understand the workload each carries. He also recommends that leaders embrace a culture where paired-up workers are in different locations to help “create opportunities for engagement” across the company.

At Sage, all employees meet together onsite four or five times a year as a way to strengthen the culture and ensure that everyone feels included, Harris said.

7. Show Appreciation for the People Who Show Up Every Day

Employees who are resentful that others work from home often feel unappreciated, because they believe that if they were appreciated, they’d be given the option to work remotely when necessary, Loehr said.

Managers can address this challenge with honest praise and feedback. “A sincere ‘thank you’ can go a long way toward making onsite employees feel like you really value and appreciate their contribution,” she added.

Arlene Hirsch is a career counselor and author based in Chicago. Let’s share experiences.

 

 Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

 

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

Creating an Equitable and Inclusive Hybrid Work Environment

 

While hybrid workplaces are becoming the norm for many organizations, equitable and inclusive hybrid work environments are not, and this can cause problems for your team. An equitable workplace is one where all types of workers have equal and fair access to opportunities and resources. Historically, equity was only considered in the context of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI). In the post-Covid return-to-work context, you should consider the hybrid, virtual, and fully in-person workers and how to ensure an equitable workplace for all three categories.

Here are a few characteristics of an equitable workplace:

• An equitable workplace prioritizes both access to resources and investment in employees.
• The intention is to create an even playing field for reward and advancement, regardless of variables.
• All workers have the ability to contribute and communicate equally, regardless of location, role, experience level, language, seen and unseen disabilities, and/or device preference.

Even when a workplace has equitable remote or hybrid work policies, inclusivity still needs to be considered. Let’s dive into what is meant by workplace inclusivity.

Inclusivity

Inclusivity means individuals with different identities and backgrounds are welcomed in a group setting (e.g., company, office, meeting), and are valued members of the group. Not only does inclusion mean these team members feel like they belong, but they are also trusted and relied upon to contribute to the team.

Inclusivity brings many benefits, including creating a bigger talent pool, increased employee engagement and trust, new perspectives and innovation, better decision-making, and improved performance. All these benefits together help generate stronger business results.

Yet building inclusivity in the workplace has its unique challenges. Despite significant progress, there are still some deep-rooted stereotypes in society. For example, many believe in gender stereotypes. Additionally, some people tend to be afraid of interacting with those who may have a different skin color, race, and/or physical ability. There is also the presence of supremacy ideology, where some people consider their culture and background to be superior to others.

We can overcome these challenges by using verbal and non-verbal inclusion language. Try these tips:

• Avoid boxes. Banish the binaries of good/bad, right/wrong, gay/straight, black/white, and us/them.
• Choose your words with intention. Regarding gender/sexuality, say “partner” or “significant other” rather than “husband”, “boyfriend”, “wife”, or “girlfriend.”
• Show ego-distance. Callout that you have blind spots and that you’re learning.

One of the best ways to promote workplace inclusivity is by learning to be an ally. An ally is someone who is not a member of an underrepresented group yet who takes action to support that group. They can be any race, age, gender identity, function, or organizational level. Typically, they have some sort of status that enables their allyship actions to be particularly effective. For example, men can be allies to women/non-binary people, cisgender people can be allies to their transgender co-workers, white employees can be allies to people of color and senior leaders can be allies to associate-level employees.

The Future of Work: Hybrid Workplace

As more and more organizations are shifting to the hybrid model of working, which mixes in-office and remote work to offer employee flexibility and support, inclusion can become a challenge?

In a study by Future Forum, Black employees reported less stress working from home, with 97% of Black knowledge workers saying they want to remain partially or fully remote for the foreseeable future. Working from home helps employees with different abilities by improving their health and productivity.

In addition, lack of close contact may hinder the formation of trust, connection, and mutual purpose – three key ingredients in effective working relationships. This leads to proximity bias, a cognitive bias formed on the “out of sight, out of mind” principle. Proximity bias may lead to isolation, stress, lack of separation between work and home, and cultural shifts.

These challenges can be overcome by giving employees regular recovery breaks, setting a ritual for switching their minds between work and home, and providing social and mental health support, including Employee Assistance Programs.

Team collaboration in a hybrid workplace can be promoted by getting teams and departments to design their hybrid schedules, sharing information transparently, enabling everyone’s participation, and rewarding outcomes, not inputs.

Provision of equal access to networks for all employees, making promotions transparent, and assessing performance on an employee’s ability to meet their objectives rather than focusing on presenteeism, and making the time for performance reviews can lead to higher engagement of individual employees.

Tips for creating an Equitable and Inclusive Hybrid Workplace

Here are some tips to promote the creation of an equitable and inclusive hybrid workplace:

• Keep everyone in the loop
• Host dual in-person and virtual events
• Take routine pulse surveys to measure sentiment
• Celebrate wins publicly and encourage recognitions
• Adopt new strategies for fostering engagement
• Establish clear communication guidelines

Some other best practices include giving employees the resources to create effective remote work setups and empowering them to create a flexible work routine. Finally, managers need to be empowered to work with their team members to accommodate extenuating circumstances.

We would love to hear from you! How is your organization creating equitable and inclusive hybrid work environments? How are they driving your motivation levels and enhancing overall performance?

Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

Subscribe To Our Newsletter

It Takes Courage To Use EQ

 

Emotional Intelligence. We hear the term all the time, thinking it’s some abstract leadership model that only the elite use to improve themselves and their teams.

I’m here to tell you that EQ is real and the opportunity to use it occurs many times a day, if you’re willing to listen and use it. Here are three recent stories of how I successfully, and unsuccessfully, used my EQ in challenging situations.

Scenario 1: The Two-Minute Story Turned Tragic

I spoke at a team retreat, and although the word “retreat” might conjure up team building in a forest, these sessions took place in a classic Washington, DC corporate conference room, complete with overhead lighting, and a mammoth, glossy, wooden table surrounded by black chairs on wheels.

It Never Occurred to Me That My EQ Was About to Get Tested

While teaching a class on the 3 levels of listening, I asked an older man to share a 2-minute story about a time in his life when things just couldn’t get any better. The purpose of this exercise was for the rest of the class to listen and share what they heard at each of the 3 levels of listening, which are what you hear, what body language you observe, and what you feel energetically as you listen. I’ve used this exercise many times; it never occurred to me that my EQ was about to get tested.

As the man shared his story about taking a vacation with his wife, it was clear there was a misalignment with his words and his body language. He spoke about enjoying delicious food, meeting interesting people, and learning about new cultures, yet his voice was monotone, his mouth was turned down and his shoulders slumped. You could hear a pin drop when his concluded; I looked around the room, trying to fathom what just happened during a simple exercise.

I Was Trying to Fathom What Happened

I found out. Sadly, his wife had just passed away.

I had just unknowingly walked into an emotional landmine, where the man was clearly upset and the rest of the room was silently staring at him with tears in their eyes.

What were my options at this point?

1.    Ignore the story and say, “Who else would like to share?”

2.    Avoid the emotions of the moment and announce that it’s time for a 15-minute break.

3.    Encourage the man to continue to share his story with the group for another 10 minutes.

4.    Use my EQ.

How Should I Handle This Situation?

At a very basic level, EQ is about self-awareness (what am I feeling now?) and social awareness (how will my emotions impact the people in the room)? So while all this was happening, I had to quickly self-assess my feelings, which were sadness, embarrassment, panic, and a host of others. I then had to self-manage my emotions so they didn’t impact the rest of the training. So here’s what I did:

1.    Acknowledge the enormity of the situation by saying gently and with emotion, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” then waiting a few seconds before speaking again.

2.    Acknowledge the man by saying “Thank you for your courage in sharing this moment with all of us. I know that must have been difficult for you. You are a brave person.”, then waiting a few seconds before speaking again.

3.    Acknowledge the others by saying “I know many of you may be feeling a variety of emotions right now. Please take a moment and jot them down for yourself.”

4.    Use the moment as a learning opportunity by saying “These types of personal, emotional conversations occur at work more frequently than you think. People often have hardships in their personal life that they inadvertently bring with them to work. As leaders, you need to embrace these moments instead of running away from them. You don’t have to go into therapy with the person, yet you do need to treat the situation with humanity and dignity before moving on. They will respect you for it.”

It Takes Courage To Use EQ

This was one of the hardest teaching moments in my life. Why? Because using EQ takes courage. It’s choosing the conversation that may be uncomfortable, scary, and unfamiliar. Yet the rewards are trust, credibility, and confidence.

Scenario 2: My Appetite Ate My EQ

Now let me take you to a hip tech company, the kind of wide-open office where you might see a French Bulldog sleeping under a desk, or a few guitars laying around. Don’t get me wrong, this company is full of professionals, but they work hard to keep their culture unique, welcoming, and people-centric. The conference room I spoke in was airy and full of fresh, fun energy.

While teaching a course on energy management, I was working with a group of young, emerging leaders on setting achievable physical goals that would help them reach peak performance. We were overdue for a break and I could tell that everyone was getting antsy; my own stomach was grumbling for a snack.

I Could Tell Everyone Was Getting Antsy…

One young woman shared that her goal was to go to the gym for an hour daily, while also running 3 times a week. Since the topic was about achievable goals, I asked her how achievable it was. I meant it as a rhetorical example for the group; she took it literally and started to share that she knew she could do it. I politely suggested we talk about it after break; she persisted and wanted to share how she was going to do it. I then again politely suggested we discuss it after break and called a break for the group.

I Was Stunned

During break, within earshot of others, she told me that I was rude and disrespectful to her. I was stunned and angry; that was not my intention at all. How dare she call me disrespectful?!

I had just unknowingly walked into another emotional landmine, where I was hungry, only had 6 minutes left for break, was called rude and the rest of the group was quietly watching this encounter.

What were my options at this point?

1.    Loudly disagree with her, allowing the conversation to escalate.

2.    Dismiss her point and tell her to “Grow up; it’s just one comment.”

3.    Tell her to talk to her boss if she didn’t like the training.

4.    Use my EQ.

How Should I Handle This Situation?

Self-managing my emotional reaction was not easy because I had low-blood sugar and needed to eat; I also knew the clock was ticking and people were watching. However, looking at it from her perspective, I also knew she was right. I could have handled it better. I had failed this EQ test.

I Got an “F” On This EQ Test

So I apologized for the misunderstanding. I looked her in the eye, apologized if I had offended her, and told her my intention was not to be disrespectful. I then shook her hand and thanked her for teaching me a valuable lesson. It was challenging to do this while my emotions were still running high and my stomach was still grumbling, yet I know that although I failed the initial EQ test, I had redeemed my EQ in that moment.

Scenario 3: The Questioning Scientist

Luckily at this gig, lunch was part of the program! Specifically, I was teaching a class on coaching at a “Lunch & Learn” for a large tech company, only this time—to a room full of scientists.

Coaching skills are one of the hardest management skills to learn, especially for people who work with data and facts on a daily basis. Why? Because coaching involves watching for non-verbal cues which can be hard to quantify.

It Was Time To Move On When a Woman in the Back of the Room Said…

After completing an exercise on non-verbal cues, it was clear the group was starting to understand how to watch for, and interpret, non-verbal cues. It was time to move on to teach the next phase of coaching when a woman in the back of room said in a loud, strong voice, “I don’t see how watching someone’s non-verbal cues is going to make me a better scientist or move our science ahead of the competition.” Every eye turned to me, to see how I was going to handle this woman and her comment.

I Walked Into a Land Mine

Yet again, I walked into a land mine. We had three more exercises to do in a short period of time, the rest of the group seemed to understand the importance of non-verbal cues and I was irritated that this person had thrown me a curve ball.

What were my options at this point?

1.    Shame her by saying, “If you had been paying attention to what I had said earlier, you would be able to answer your own question.”

2.    Ignore the actual question and ask her to talk to me after the session.

3.    Redo the exercise, despite the fact that the rest of the group seemed to understand the point.

4.    Use my EQ.

How Should I Handle This Situation?

As I mentally checked in with myself, I smiled to the group and took a deep breath to help self-manage my emotions. I then said, “Great question! What do others in the room think?” Two people then explained non-verbals from a scientific perspective, which not only helped the woman who asked the question but also complemented my information for the rest of the group.

Using EQ happens daily, in real-time. Challenging or uncomfortable conversations appear at random times, unexpectedly, at work, at home, in the community and everywhere in between. Your next text message may even require the use of EQ!

Often the conversations that need EQ the most are the messiest ones. Choosing to have the messy conversation, instead of avoiding it, takes courage. But if you are willing to be in uncomfortable territory, you can look at these challenges as an opportunity to build deeper relationships and develop trust.

I would love to hear your successes and failures when it comes to EQ! It’s something we all experience.

Check out the ways to manage your energy to reduce stress with our infographic

 

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

 

Subscribe To Our Newsletter