Emotional
Intelligence. We hear the term all the time, thinking it’s some abstract
leadership model that only the elite use to improve themselves and their teams.
I’m here to tell you
that EQ is real and the opportunity to use it occurs many times a
day, if you’re willing to listen and use it. Here are three recent stories of
how I successfully, and unsuccessfully, used my EQ in challenging situations.
Scenario 1: The Two-Minute Story Turned Tragic
I spoke at a team
retreat, and although the word “retreat” might conjure up team building in a
forest, these sessions took place in a classic Washington, DC corporate
conference room, complete with overhead lighting, and a mammoth, glossy, wooden
table surrounded by black chairs on wheels.
It Never Occurred to Me That My EQ Was About to Get Tested
While teaching a class
on the 3 levels of listening, I asked an older man to share a 2-minute story
about a time in his life when things just couldn’t get any better. The purpose
of this exercise was for the rest of the class to listen and share what they
heard at each of the 3 levels of listening, which are what you hear, what body
language you observe, and what you feel energetically as you listen. I’ve used
this exercise many times; it never occurred to me that my EQ was about to get
tested.
As the man shared his
story about taking a vacation with his wife, it was clear there was a
misalignment with his words and his body language. He spoke about enjoying
delicious food, meeting interesting people, and learning about new cultures,
yet his voice was monotone, his mouth was turned down and his shoulders
slumped. You could hear a pin drop when his concluded; I looked around the
room, trying to fathom what just happened during a simple exercise.
I Was Trying to Fathom What Happened
I found out. Sadly,
his wife had just passed away.
I had just unknowingly
walked into an emotional landmine, where the man was clearly upset and the rest
of the room was silently staring at him with tears in their eyes.
What were my options
at this point?
1. Ignore the story and say, “Who else would like
to share?”
2. Avoid the emotions of the moment and announce
that it’s time for a 15-minute break.
3. Encourage the man to continue to share his
story with the group for another 10 minutes.
4. Use my EQ.
How Should I Handle This Situation?
At a very basic level,
EQ is about self-awareness (what am I feeling now?) and social awareness (how
will my emotions impact the people in the room)? So while all this was
happening, I had to quickly self-assess my feelings, which were sadness,
embarrassment, panic, and a host of others. I then had to self-manage my
emotions so they didn’t impact the rest of the training. So here’s what I did:
1. Acknowledge the enormity of the situation by
saying gently and with emotion, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” then waiting a
few seconds before speaking again.
2. Acknowledge the man by saying “Thank you for
your courage in sharing this moment with all of us. I know that must have been
difficult for you. You are a brave person.”, then waiting a few seconds before
speaking again.
3. Acknowledge the others by saying “I know many
of you may be feeling a variety of emotions right now. Please take a moment and
jot them down for yourself.”
4. Use the moment as a learning opportunity by
saying “These types of personal, emotional conversations occur at work more
frequently than you think. People often have hardships in their personal life
that they inadvertently bring with them to work. As leaders, you need to
embrace these moments instead of running away from them. You don’t have to go
into therapy with the person, yet you do need to treat the situation with
humanity and dignity before moving on. They will respect you for it.”
It Takes Courage To Use EQ
This was one of the
hardest teaching moments in my life. Why? Because using EQ takes courage. It’s
choosing the conversation that may be uncomfortable, scary, and unfamiliar. Yet
the rewards are trust, credibility, and confidence.
Scenario 2: My Appetite Ate My EQ
Now let me take you to
a hip tech company, the kind of wide-open office where you might see a French
Bulldog sleeping under a desk, or a few guitars laying around. Don’t get me
wrong, this company is full of professionals, but they work hard to keep their
culture unique, welcoming, and people-centric. The conference room I spoke in
was airy and full of fresh, fun energy.
While teaching a
course on energy management, I was working with a group of young, emerging
leaders on setting achievable physical goals that would help them reach peak
performance. We were overdue for a break and I could tell that everyone was
getting antsy; my own stomach was grumbling for a snack.
I Could Tell Everyone Was Getting Antsy…
One young woman shared
that her goal was to go to the gym for an hour daily, while also running 3
times a week. Since the topic was about achievable goals, I asked her how
achievable it was. I meant it as a rhetorical example for the group; she took
it literally and started to share that she knew she could do it. I politely
suggested we talk about it after break; she persisted and wanted to share how
she was going to do it. I then again politely suggested we discuss it after
break and called a break for the group.
I Was Stunned
During break, within
earshot of others, she told me that I was rude and disrespectful to her. I was
stunned and angry; that was not my intention at all. How dare she call me
disrespectful?!
I had just unknowingly
walked into another emotional landmine, where I was hungry, only had 6 minutes
left for break, was called rude and the rest of the group was quietly watching
this encounter.
What were my options
at this point?
1. Loudly disagree with her, allowing the
conversation to escalate.
2. Dismiss her point and tell her to “Grow up;
it’s just one comment.”
3. Tell her to talk to her boss if she didn’t
like the training.
4. Use my EQ.
How Should I Handle This Situation?
Self-managing my
emotional reaction was not easy because I had low-blood sugar and needed to
eat; I also knew the clock was ticking and people were watching. However,
looking at it from her perspective, I also knew she was right. I could have
handled it better. I had failed this EQ test.
I Got an “F” On This EQ Test
So I apologized for
the misunderstanding. I looked her in the eye, apologized if I had offended
her, and told her my intention was not to be disrespectful. I then shook her
hand and thanked her for teaching me a valuable lesson. It was challenging to
do this while my emotions were still running high and my stomach was still
grumbling, yet I know that although I failed the initial EQ test, I had
redeemed my EQ in that moment.
Scenario 3: The Questioning Scientist
Luckily at this gig,
lunch was part of the program! Specifically, I was teaching a class on coaching
at a “Lunch & Learn” for a large tech company, only this time—to a room
full of scientists.
Coaching skills are
one of the hardest management skills to learn, especially for people who work
with data and facts on a daily basis. Why? Because coaching involves watching
for non-verbal cues which can be hard to quantify.
It Was Time To Move On When a Woman in the Back of the Room Said…
After completing an
exercise on non-verbal cues, it was clear the group was starting to understand
how to watch for, and interpret, non-verbal cues. It was time to move on to
teach the next phase of coaching when a woman in the back of room said in a
loud, strong voice, “I don’t see how watching someone’s non-verbal cues is
going to make me a better scientist or move our science ahead of the
competition.” Every eye turned to me, to see how I was going to handle this
woman and her comment.
I Walked Into a Land Mine
Yet again, I walked
into a land mine. We had three more exercises to do in a short period of time,
the rest of the group seemed to understand the importance of non-verbal cues
and I was irritated that this person had thrown me a curve ball.
What were my options
at this point?
1. Shame her by saying, “If you had been paying
attention to what I had said earlier, you would be able to answer your own
question.”
2. Ignore the actual question and ask her to talk
to me after the session.
3. Redo the exercise, despite the fact that the
rest of the group seemed to understand the point.
4. Use my EQ.
How Should I Handle This Situation?
As I mentally checked
in with myself, I smiled to the group and took a deep breath to help
self-manage my emotions. I then said, “Great question! What do others in the
room think?” Two people then explained non-verbals from a scientific
perspective, which not only helped the woman who asked the question but also
complemented my information for the rest of the group.
Using EQ happens
daily, in real-time. Challenging or uncomfortable conversations appear at
random times, unexpectedly, at work, at home, in the community and everywhere
in between. Your next text message may even require the use of EQ!
Often the
conversations that need EQ the most are the messiest ones. Choosing to have the
messy conversation, instead of avoiding it, takes courage. But if you are
willing to be in uncomfortable territory, you can look at these challenges as
an opportunity to build deeper relationships and develop trust.
I would love to hear
your successes and failures when it comes to EQ! It’s something we all
experience.
Check out the ways to manage your energy to reduce stress with our
infographic
Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send
me an email,
or find me on Twitter.
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