Why Conflict at Work is a Good Thing

 

When Gabriel visited headquarters from his Milwaukee office, everything seemed great. Members of the team welcomed him warmly, invited him to lunch, and had his workstation set up. Gabriel would be there for a week to transition the team to a new software platform to track their hours, request vacation days, check benefits, find employee discounts, and access health coach advice.

By the time Gabriel finished onboarding the whole team, the “great” office seemed anything but.

He noticed the unusual team dynamics right away, after choosing Jackie, the executive assistant, to go first.

She was nervous from the start, asking if he was sure she should be the first one. Her anxiety made it hard for her to concentrate and the meeting took much longer than expected. Soon he learned why, when he had the operations manager, Evan, on deck. Evan made two comments about the fact that the executive assistant was first, instead of him. Gabriel was confused—did he do something wrong?

When it was Shayda’s turn the next day, she barely spoke. Instead she sat silently with her arms crossed with an air of annoyance. What Gabriel didn’t know was that Shayda had wanted to be trained on the first day so she could leave early for volunteer orientation at the women’s shelter. No one informed him of this, so he went ahead with his training in a room so tense that the air could be cut with a knife.

On Friday, Gabriel joined the team weekly meeting, to be available in case there were any questions about the platform. The meeting took two hours, and only a few people talked, not acknowledging anyone else’s comments. In fact, Evan was constantly asserting his authority, saying things like, “I’m the one who makes the decisions here,” and “Don’t waste my time with ideas I already told you won’t work.”

There was no energy in the room, the topics covered were shallow and boring, and amazingly—after two hours—absolutely nothing was accomplished. No problems were solved and no decisions made. Gabriel walked out wondering what was the point of that meeting and what is wrong with this team?

What is Wrong With This Team?

Gabriel felt mired in conflict. Yet the conflict was completely unspoken. During his time there, he never heard a single confrontation out in the open. Yet it was obvious conflict was buried under the surface. If they aren’t willing to bring their perspectives or ideas to the table (unless they already know everyone agrees), how will this conflict ever be resolved? It was undermining all of their progress, and killing morale. He was excited to get back to his office, where sometimes the discussions were difficult, yet their relationships were a lot easier and certainly more productive.

Conflict is a tricky thing. When you boil it down, conflict is just when one person’s wishes and desires are different from another person’s.  It’s the emotions that conflict evokes that can make situations seem explosive and make people uncomfortable, since conflict is often associated with “being in trouble”. The idea of conflict can bring up feelings of defensiveness, anxiety, anger, guilt, fear and more. For that reason, it is often avoided at all costs.

The reality is, productive ideological conflict is a good thing, and avoiding it in attempt to preserve a false impression of harmony can backfire. Just look at Gabriel’s experience…

So let’s talk about the importance of conflict, what teams that welcome and avoid conflict look like, and how we can start embracing conflict in our own teams starting today.

Great Teams Welcome Conflict

CPP Global’s Human Capital Report on workplace conflict shows the positive outcomes reported by those who experienced workplace conflict.

·         41% of respondents report better understanding of others

·         33% experienced improved working relationships

·         29% found a better solution to a problem or challenge

·         21% saw higher performance in the team

·         18% felt increased motivation

 

Teams That Welcome Conflict, and Teams Who Do Not: What Do They Look Like?

 

That study is clear—conflict is good for teams. But what does it look like? Here is a snapshot of what teams who don’t welcome conflict look like, compared to teams that do.

Teams That Don’t Welcome Conflict

·         Create a culture where back-channel politics and personal attacks thrive

·         Have boring meetings

·         Ignore topics that are important for success, but are controversial

·         Waste time and energy with posturing

Teams That Welcome Conflict

·         Take and use the ideas of all team members

·         Have energetic, interesting meetings

·         Quickly solve real problems

·         Minimize politics

·         Do not fear putting critical topics on the table for discussion

What Happened When the NBA Avoided Conflict

Looking at sports teams is a great place to learn about teamwork. Yet in this scenario, the NBA isn’t showing us how to be an awesome team—it’s showing us just what avoiding conflict can do.

It was not a secret among the inner circles of the basketball world that Donald Sterling, L.A. Clippers owner at the time, had potential to create PR catastrophes. One example would be his prior multi-million dollar lawsuit with the Department of Justice for driving minorities out of his apartment buildings. Yet even the NBA commissioner pushed Sterling’s problematic issues under the carpet. Why? In order to avoid conflict.

This blew up in their face in April of 2014, when a recording of Sterling making racist statements about players was made public causing NBA unrest, threatened boycott, and a PR disaster.

Sound familiar?

Does avoiding conflict sound familiar to you? Maybe you notice your team is not making progress, or you feel that politics trump all initiatives at work. Or maybe it’s you who is avoiding conflict, harboring resentment for your team, and not reaching your potential. Here are some tips for welcoming conflict at work.

Three Tips for Welcoming Conflict at Work

1. Remember Everyone’s Opinions Matter

·         Everyone on the team should be able to express their opinions without the fear of retribution

2. Move Away From Finger Pointing

·         Work toward perceiving, understanding and respecting where others are coming from

3. Appreciate that Workplace Conflict is Inevitable

·         Disagreements at work are a given; avoiding them won’t make them go away

·         Don’t hit the roof when you realize the team isn’t working well together; accept it

·         Remove yourself from the situation and analyze how this conflict might benefit the team

 

So let’s go back to Gabriel’s experience where back channel politics plagued the office. The executive assistant was a distracted, nervous wreck knowing that she was seen as “below” the operations manager, yet had been taken to the onboarding session first. And she was right; Evan was fuming because he wasn’t able to assert his superiority by being chosen first. This anxiety-inducing dynamic will continue to exist unless one of them is willing to address the conflict, or one of them leaves the organization.

Shayda also chose not to cause a conflict by asserting that she needed to leave for volunteer orientation at the women’s shelter. Instead, she was tense, miserable and resentful. If she didn’t fear conflict, she would have made her request known, and probably had the opportunity to go to orientation.

The meeting Gabriel joined was also an example of a team that avoids conflict. Nothing got accomplished because no one was comfortable speaking up to share their ideas. And Evan was so busy asserting his authority that he wouldn’t take advantage of the skills and creativity of his teammates. This constant assertion of dominance, coupled with the stagnating results of those avoiding any type of conflict, led to a pointless meeting that nearly put Gabriel to sleep.

Imagine how lively the meeting would be if people were willing to cause potential conflicts in order to solve problems, share ideas, and get things done? Their progress was and will continue to be stunted unless they stop avoiding a perfectly normal byproduct of teamwork—conflict.

How do you feel about conflict at work? Do you face it head on or avoid it? If you avoid it, what makes you the most uncomfortable about conflict?

 

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

 

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A Quick and Creative Way to Solve Problems at Work

Most of us have seen this image before. Some swear it’s a duck, while others swear it is a rabbit. Both are correct! But this exercise gives us a clear example of how individuals naturally see the world differently. And in the work environment, this different way of seeing things, if leveraged, presents a huge advantage.

Seeing the world, and situations, in only one way can interfere with our ability to problem solve. We look at situations in a way that comes naturally and are blind to other perspectives that may increase our ability to solve problems or innovate. Each of us benefits greatly from the perspectives of others at the workplace.

Yet it doesn’t always feel that way. Often times sharing an idea in a meeting is like morphing into a dartboard. You share your idea, and then everyone throws darts at it. You may even try to get the buy-in from coworkers in advance of the meeting to mitigate getting shot down, frustrated—even embarrassed—so quickly.

What if I told you there was an easy and fun way to prevent this kind of meeting? What if you were able to use a simple methodology that instigates participation and positive outcomes to problem solving?

Enter the “Six Thinking Hats,” developed by Edward de Bono. As Freddi Donner explains, the Six Thinking Hats is “a tool for group discussion and individual thinking that involves six colored hats. “Six Thinking Hats”, and the associated idea parallel thinking, provide a means for groups to execute a thinking process in a detailed and cohesive way, which allows them to think together more effectively.”

What Are The Six Thinking Hats?

Here’s a great video explaining what the Six Hats are, and how the method works.

De Bono writes, “Each thinking role is identified with a colored symbolic ‘thinking hat.’ By mentally wearing and switching ‘hats,’ you can easily focus or redirect thoughts, the conversation, or the meeting.”

To understand each hat and the associated roles, take a look at the table below.

As a basic example, if you were “wearing” the green hat, you would approach an issue or conversation as creatively as possible. You’d look for possibilities, alternatives, and new ideas.

Yet if you were “wearing” the black hat, you’d look at the same issue or conversation with a keen eye for danger. You’d attempt to ferret-out anything that could go wrong.

Now, you must be prepared to be a little uncomfortable. It’s common to feel uneasy approaching an issue in a way you’re not used to. For example, if you’re someone who informs your own decisions based solely on facts, you may feel awkward or resistant to approaching an issue by expressing your fears, likes, dislikes, loves or hates. After all, you’re a facts person, not an emotions person. But forcing yourself to think from that perspective might surprise you with innovative ideas.

A Basic Example of Using the Six Thinking Hats

Let’s take a look at basic example and run through each of the six hats in action. Let’s say you are the leader at a software development company, which has been steadily growing. While you still feel like a startup, the fact is, you’ve outgrown your office. Employees are sharing desks, the space is crowded and cluttered, and two of the three meeting rooms have had to be converted into offices. This leads to unnecessary tension in the office, and people are starting to complain. You haven’t made the move yet because you know it will significantly increase operational costs.

Let’s approach this problem using the six thinking hats as a guide:

White Hat: What are the facts about this problem?

The basic facts are there are 50 employees (and growing) in an office space that comfortably accommodates 30.

Yellow Hat: What is good about having this problem?

It’s great to be growing! We’ve added amazing talent to the team and we will now be able to accomplish even more as a company. We can expand our current offerings and add new products to grow the business even more.

Black Hat: What is the worst that could happen if we don’t fix this problem?

If we stay in this office, the worst that can happen is expensive attrition. We will lose the great talent that it took us months to find. That will lead to low employee engagement, which leads to poor productivity and even more attrition. We won’t be able to move forward as a business without our talent.

Red Hat: What do I feel about this problem?

I feel conflicted. On one hand, my employees and their needs are the most important thing to me, so seeing them crammed in together makes me feel like I’m disappointing them. On the other hand, I’m hesitant to increase expenses in what feels like a pivotal time in the business. That makes me very nervous.

Green Hat: What are some creative ways to address this situation?

One idea is to have some of our team work from home to free up space in the office. Another possibility would be moving into a shared office space with another startup. This would cut the costs of a larger office space. Also, we could leave this area of town and move to the new burgeoning warehouse district, where rent is cheaper.

Blue Hat: How do you know you are following the six hats method?

I’ve written all of these questions down and written my answers under the designated color for each hat. I can share these notes with my VP and get her feedback.

In the end, this leader decided to create a small task force to investigate the new warehouse district, and possible shared office spaces with the other startups around town. They have a three-week discovery period, after which the team will meet with the heads of each department to vote on the best course of action. They will use the six hats again!

As you can see, this exercise enabled the head of our hypothetical software development company to think through the situation from several perspectives. And by forcing the consideration of different perspectives she may not naturally be drawn to, she achieved “parallel thinking,” which is a more dynamic way to work through a problem.

Let’s move beyond the individual and discuss how to incorporate the Six Thinking Hats method into our workplace. Here is a step-by-step guide.

A Step-By-Step Guide to Incorporating the Six Thinking Hats at Work

1.    To prepare, choose a work challenge and form a small team of 4 or 5 people.

2.    Make sure that your attendees are aware that you will be using this method and that your goal is to fully investigate the situation at hand and develop an execution plan based on the meeting. Therefore, all attendees who can contribute to the facts should plan to bring them to the meeting.

3.    Before the meeting, create an agenda, including a video link from the first lesson in this course, and ask your team to watch this video before the meeting. Ask your participants to be prepared to use this methodology when coming to the meeting.

4.    Make sure it is a safe environment and that no one is “wrong” for adding to the content of the meeting. Even if you do not agree, say, “That’s interesting” or “Let’s note that point of view”.

5.    Be sure to ask one of the participants to record all the points of view.

6.    Be sure to ask one of the participants to record all the points of view.

White Hat: The facts. What do you already know?

Note: Facts often get disguised as opinions. If someone states a “fact” that appears to be an opinion, ask the participant (without judgment): “What specific behaviors cause you to think that?” Or “How do you know that?” Listen for the fine line between opinions and fact.

Red Hat: What is your gut feeling about the situation? How do you feel about the situation? (Happy, angry, etc.; all emotions are to be recorded.)

Black Hat: What do we need to look out for?

Yellow Hat: What are the reasons to say yes? What are the benefits and upsides of this situation?

Green Hat: What are other ideas that can be a part of this thinking?

Blue Hat: Make sure all the participants are maintaining the parallel thinking.

These questions should really get the team thinking and spur an active discussion. For fun, if you can access paper (or hats) in the six colors, bring them to the meeting to reinforce the colored thinking. Bandanas would work as well.

If you’ve never tried the Six Thinking Hats method, we are excited for you to do so. As De Bono says, The Six Thinking Hats is “A powerful tool set, which once learned can be applied immediately!” We’d love to hear about your experiences with this method.

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send us an email, or find us on Twitter.

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Listening: The Do’s and Don’ts and How To Master It

The human mouth plods along at 125 words per minute, while a neuron in the brain can fire about 200 times a second. No wonder our mind wanders when there’s so much time in between the words of a conversation. This is part of the reason we remember only 25 to 50% of what we hear.

Yet listening is an incredibly important skill for everyone—including leaders. Why? If you’re not listening at work, it’s easy to misinterpret a discussion as a decision. You may underestimate the importance of objections and ambivalence. And not listening is a quick way to dissolve trust between leaders and their teams.

From my experience, leaders could use some listening practice. Why don’t they listen? Though Richard Branson once joked that leaders love to hear their own voices, there are two main reasons. For one, in general, people are not taught how to carefully listen. And secondly, society expects leaders and entrepreneurs to have all the answers.

Truly listening to someone is more difficult than it seems and requires practice. Yet practicing takes more than just “keeping it in mind” throughout your day. Let’s look at five levels of listening, the do’s and don’ts of listening, and steps you can take to improve your listening skills.

There are several levels of listening, but here are five I find most important.

Highlight: Five Levels of Listening

1.    Ignoring is something we have all done. Someone is talking to us, but we are exploring things on the Internet, checking text messages, or thinking “what’s for dinner”. We are not actually hearing much of anything. 

2.    Pretend listening occurs when a person acts as if they are listening but is not following the full story of what is being said. They nod and smile but do not actually take in the message. This is a skill that can be finely honed by people who do a lot of inconsequential listening, such as politicians and royalty. We all do pretend listening at times; be careful because it can damage relationships when you get caught.

3.    Selective listening involves listening for particular things and ignoring other things. We hear what we want to hear and sometimes block out details that we are not interested in, or simply don’t want to hear. We listen for what we agree with, and then only remember that. Or we listen only for ways we don’t agree (this is usually as a result of a conflict), which can be quite frustrating when trying to come to an agreement.

4.    Attentive listening is what many of us do most of the time. This is when we listen to the other person with the best intention, yet become distracted by our thoughts of how we will respond. In attentive listening, we dip inside our own heads for a short while, try to determine what the person really means, and formulate questions for the person before we start listening again. If you find that you’re doing this, ‘fess up! Let the other person know that your mind wandered and say, “Could you please repeat that?”

5.    Empathic listening happens when the listener pays very close attention to what is being said, how it is being said, the message that is being portrayed, and what is not being said. Empathic listening takes much more effort than attentive listening, as it requires close concentration. It also requires empathy and understanding. You’re listening for the emotions, watching the body language and listening for needs, goals, preferences, biases, beliefs, values and so on. In other words, you’re listening in surround sound.

How to Be a Better Listener

Listening is actually a little painful. When we talk, we get a rush of chemicals sent to our reward and pleasure centers, so it is a selfish brain activity. There is no reward like that for listening. When you listen, you are halting your natural ways of thinking; it’s like holding your breath. Yet listening is a skill that can be learned, like a fitness test of the brain.

The first step to better listening is to choose to be a better listener and decide that it’s an important skill to you. It takes effort and a strategy and much like any sport, you will want to learn the steps, and then practice, practice, practice.

A Listening Acronym to Keep In Mind

Here is an acronym to help you become a better listener: NALE it.

N         Note what is being said.

A          Ask questions to clarify the story, and refine ambiguous words.

L          Look at what the other person is doing. Are they relaxed, tense, looking             away? This is all part of the communication they are sharing with you.

E          Evaluate what you think is really going on with the person. You are not   a psychologist yet, with a little empathy, you might pick up on some messages that are not being said. This gives you an opportunity to ask more questions. Stay in a curious state and you will learn so much more in less time.

Listening Do’s and Don’ts

To improve your listening, DO:

• Be 100% present. This means turning off all electronics, and keeping your eyes on the person.
• Be content to listen and to stay in the conversation until they feel like they are fully heard.
• Ask questions and take notes, including clarifying meanings of words. Many words in the English language have more than one meaning, or can vary drastically (such as the word “soon”).
• Show courtesy in your posture and your tone of voice by leaning into the conversation, and keeping your voice level.
• Allow emotions to flow freely, and acknowledge the emotions with your words.
• Pretend that you will be tested on what you heard and understood, if you are finding it difficult to concentrate.
  
  

To improve your listening, DON’T:

• React emotionally. Stay calm and focused on the other person.
• Offer suggestions or advice. This is a hard one! Yet if you are truly listening, all you’re doing is pulling information out. As soon as you start suggesting solutions, you are no longer listening.
• Talk about yourself. Even if you have had the same experience, don’t tell your story. It takes the attention off the person and back onto you. A simple “I have been there” can do the trick.
• Look at anything but the person. Stay focused on the person’s eyes, facial expressions, and body language.
  
  

Are you good at fully listening to others? Is listening a challenge for you? We’d love to hear your ideas about why listening may be difficult for leaders. Also, if you have experience working on your listening skills, let us know what steps you have taken.

Let’s share experiences. Leave a comment below, send me an email, or find me on Twitter.

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